Tamalita's Thoughts

My husband and I were recently in the waiting room of his eye doctor. The room was full and we were not able to sit together. I sat in an empty seat with my back to the rest of the room, my husband sat in an empty seat along a wall, next to another patient.

I opened up my phone and began reading while my husband chatted with the man next to him (I’ll call him Chuck) and other folks in the room. I really was not paying much attention to the conversation. At some point, I began to become aware they were discussing education. My ears perked up. Chuck started talking about how bad the educational system in Hawai’i is and the more he talked, the louder his voice became. He said that Hawai’i has the lowest SAT scores and it was because the Hawaiians did not value education. He said this a few times and got more and more agitated, more and more caught up in his belief. I could hear people around the room agreeing with him.

At this point, I had had enough. I was sitting next to a BIPOC woman, I do not know if she was Hawaiian or what her ethnicity was. Also, other than the eye doctor, every single employee at the eye clinic is a BIPOC individual.

I used my Google-Fu to search for SAT scores by state and quickly found that he was not speaking the truth. The site I found had a graph and a table showing the SAT scores for all 50 states.

I handed my phone to my husband and we rolled our eyes at each other as if to say “what a jerk”. My husband reviewed the graph and that data.

Chuck repeated his lie and the next thing I know, my husband showed it to Chuck and told him “That’s incorrect.” Chuck looked at it and said “Oh, that’s wrong?” Then I heard a woman behind me (who had previously chimed in with Chuck) say “Oh that’s good because my daughter teaches here and that means she is doing a good job!”

That pretty much shut the room down. I was so proud of my husband. This is a kind of thing he has done his entire adult life as a public servant, but this was the first time I’d been in a position to observe him.

I really felt great about the situation except for one thing: why didn’t I speak up and tell Chuck he was incorrect? Why did I hand it off to my husband? To be honest, I didn’t expect him to say anything (because I had never seen him in action). So then, if I didn’t expect him to say anything, what was the point of doing the search? Just so we could know in our mind that he was a jerk? In the meantime he was demeaning other patients and all the employees of the clinic. That makes me the jerk, not having the confidence to speak up. I learned an important lesson that day.

Why didn’t I have the confidence? It doesn’t matter what one believes about the state of education in our country or in this state, or on this island. It doesn’t matter what one believes about the importance of SAT scores. It doesn’t matter whether one believes in data they find on the internet. The point here is that a white man was speaking lies or at least unsubstantiated information about a group of people who are different than him. He was doing so with authority and it obviously made him angry. He didn’t care who heard him or where he was. I had factual data that proved he was wrong and should have had the confidence to tell him so.

After he finished his exam, he ran back into the waiting room and spoke to my husband, somewhat submissively. He made some useless comment about the SAT scores going down or something and my husband repeated that according to the data, Hawai’i was not that bad. My husband then told him the state we came from (Idaho) was lower than Hawai’i and that many states in the mainland had lower SAT scores and in general education was problematic. The guy said “I haven’t been to the mainland in 20 years” and left.

If he was so upset about the SAT scores here, why did he stay? Why didn’t he go back to where he came from? That’s a whole other issue.

I hope that the next time I’m in a situation to speak up and speak the truth, I will do so myself and not hand it off to someone else. There may not be anyone else around at the time.

I have had a few clarion moments in my life. Moments in which some profound awareness or realization came to me with crystal clear clarity. I share three of these moments. I will warn you ahead of time this includes discussions of gender differentiation, racism, and religious fundamentalism. I do not proclaim to be an expert on any of these, simply a woman sharing her experiences.

A spectrum of sexual differentiation

I received a Masters of Science degree at Texas Tech University in the mid 1980’s. I began my studies around the same time as several other young people, my lab-mates. While studying Animal Nutrition, my thesis advisor believed in providing us with a well-rounded education. This meant that his students went outside the bounds of “traditional” Animal Nutrition curriculum. I minored in Biochemistry, took many Biology courses, and my fellow lab-mates and I took classes at the Texas Tech Medical School. One of the two-semester classes our advisor required all of us to take was Physical Chemistry (p-chem) because he believed it would help our critical thinking processes. P-chem was particularly challenge and all of these classes were non-negotiable.

One of the classes I took was Endocrinology, taught in the Texas Tech Biology Department. I’ve long since forgotten the professor’s name, but I do recall that he was very good and I enjoyed this class immensely. This was a two-semester course and was intended for upper level biology graduate students. What follows is my very simplistic explanation of what I recall from that class. I fully admit this was a whole other lifetime for me, and I have not kept up with science. I have done a little review to ensure that I am remembering correctly. 

The course covered all aspects of endocrinology and included a section on reproductive endocrinology. One day, the professor was teaching us about cellular differentiation and sex determination. We learned how cells become specialized through a complex network of gene expression and signaling pathways. Everything is coordinated with exquisite timing and gene expression can be altered if certain signals happen or don’t happen at specific times. 

Initially, mammals are just DNA, a blank slate, with X or Y chromosomes. We all start off “intersex”, containing components of both female and male gonads. During the first few weeks of development, only the X gene is expressed. Beyond the X and Y chromosomes, hormones play a critical role in sexual differentiation. Production of estrogen will lead to a “feminized” organism, testosterone production will lead to a “masculinized” organism. All cells start out essentially very similar, and more “feminine”. Estrogen is the primary hormone produced. Testosterone is produced biochemically from estrogen. The correct signals have to occur for production of testosterone to be switched on. If those signals are not present, or are present at varying levels, the production of testosterone will not occur or will be at a modulated level. Thus, the organism will either be “female” or somewhere between “female” and “male”. Having XX or XY chromosomes does not guarantee that the individual will develop as female or male. Again, this is a very simplistic overview of the highly complex and coordinated process of cellular differentiation and sex determination.

THIS was a clarion moment for me. The very instant the professor explained how this process worked, I knew deep in my entire being that people did not CHOOSE to be homosexual or transgender. Heterosexuality is not necessarily the way things are intended to be. Furthermore, it was so easy for me to see how people could also be within a spectrum of “female” or “male”. They are not confused, they are not aberrations or perversions. They are part of a spectrum of sexual differentiation. 

During my 62 years on this planet, I have known many queer people. I have known them as friends and colleagues. I have never personally known a trans person. I have not avoided trans people. We just haven’t moved in the same circles for whatever reason. I do know there is nothing to fear from people who are different to me.

Religious brainwashing and hatred

I was raised in an evangelical christian environment. I recall being terrified of sinning, believing my soul would be damned to hell. So many of the teachings I received seemed to contradict themselves. One that had a significant impact on me was “race”. The church my family attended had a strict doctrine of separation of “races”. The church allowed Asians and Hispanics, but not Blacks. I was confused about this. The church fervently believed that there was no place in heaven for Blacks. The church also believed that we were all born with sin and that it was our duty as christians to lead others to salvation. Thus the church had a large missionary ministry. We sent missionaries to Africa. I was confused. If there was no heaven for Blacks, why were we sending missionaries to Africa to lead these souls to salvation? I can recall many instances of such contradictions that I contently questioned (silently, to myself).

The independent fundamental Baptist church my family attended was in Houston, Texas and had a large membership, over 1000 people. Sunday mornings had the largest attendance, usually over 500 to 600 people. One Sunday morning, we gathered for services. I believe it was Mother’s Day or Easter. All of the women were dressed and had floral corsages. The pulpit was especially decorated with floral arrangements. The music director usually led the congregation in several songs and the choir performed a couple of special numbers before the preacher began. This morning, the music director led us in a couple of opening songs. Surprisingly, after the second song, he stopped and the preacher stepped forward. The entire congregation went quiet at this unusual situation. The preacher proceeded to inform us that this church believed in the literal interpretation of the Bible, more specifically, the church believed in the Biblical separation of races. He went on to point out a Black woman who was sitting among us and directed her to leave. He then instructed the ushers to escort her from the premises. I recall that she was dressed in a colorful, elegant suit with had a beautiful corsage of flowers on her shoulder and a lovely hat. She walked proudly as she was led out of the church, past hundreds of Sunday morning worshipers. 

THIS was another clarion moment for me. I believe I was somewhere between 10 and 12 years old. I knew in that very instant, with every fiber of my being, that all the teachings we received were false. This was hate and we were being indoctrinated into hatred. I realized that we were being goaded into grasping for salvation through fear. 

I realize that not everyone is christian, but it is the most prevalent religion in the United States. I believe that these various denominations have been brainwashing us for decades, if not centuries. This has led to a population that is susceptible to lies and manipulation. It has also led to intolerance of other people and cultures. 

Sadly I’ve come to realize that it has also led to a population that does not believe in science or democracy.

Women are less than

I will share one more experience. Our family was at church nearly every night. Wednesday nights were for the truest believers. One Wednesday night I was sitting next to my best friend and her mother and we were doodling, not paying attention. All of a sudden I realized she was crying. She gestured towards the stage (aka pulpit) and I saw her father standing in front of the congregation. 

Her father was the captain of our bus ministry. The church had 18 full-sized buses that provided pick up and return to home services for children all over Houston. Obvious, his was a position of some prominence. 

I began listening to what her father was saying and with growing horror I understood that he was confession to adultery. I was sitting next to my best friend, and on. her other side was her mother. Her older sister was nearby. This family was being submitted to public shaming. 

Apparently, he had an affair with one of the Sunday School teachers. Together, they approached the preacher, privately, to ask for guidance. Following the preacher’s instructions, they then met with the church board. The board told them the only way they could retain membership in the church was to publicly confess their sins and ask forgiveness from the church.

The Baptist church doesn’t practice confession like the Catholic church. This type of public confession had never happened in our church. Of course, the male came forth and confessed his sins while his family sat there completely humiliated and shamed. The female Sunday school teacher did not come before the church. The end result was that he was allowed to remain a member, and while he could continue to drive buses, he was no longer the captain of the bus ministry. The Sunday school teacher was allowed to continue coming to the church, but was no longer a member and was not allowed to teach any longer.

THIS was a clarion moment for me. At the age of 10 to 12, I didn’t have the vocabulary or the personal experience to understand what this moment really meant. I believed this was a private issue between the family. I felt this was unfair, so many bells and flags. I saw how the male was supported and the female was shunned. I felt that as a young girl, I was less than. The patriarchy of this religion, and of society, has been one of the things I have struggled with more than any other aspect.

Learning and questioning are critical to growth

This same church also instructed us young people that we were not meant to attend secular colleges and universities. Rather we were to attend christian colleges and universities to keep us on the “right path”. We were taught that attending secular institutions of higher learning would encourage us to think and question authorities, not a good thing, and if we did question, this was rebellion against god.

While I did attend the private school affiliated with this church for a few short years, I never attended a christian college. I struggled with faith for many years. For a long time, I could not even use the word “god”. It was a long time before I realized I had been brainwashed. I don’t really know how I escaped, the rest of my family never really has. I believe a large part of my ability to overcome that indoctrination was through attending non-christian colleges and universities. 

A solid education, whether elementary through high school or beyond, does teach people the skills for critical thinking, how to discern truth from falsehood, and how to accept others who are different from us.

I believe that our education system has been failing for a long, long time. As a university professor, I taught senior-level undergraduates and graduate students. Graduate students tended to be curious and self-motivated, and mostly this did not really change. However, I noticed a distinct decline in the engagement of the senior level undergraduate students over time. One could certainly say perhaps it was my instruction, fair enough. Honestly, this was discussed with other professors, as they had the same experience. These were students who should be ready to go forth into the world and conquer! But they paid less and less attention in the lecture hall, and their essays show less and less original thinking, they asked fewer probing questions in class.

While education does include knowledge acquisition, it also includes experiences and interactions that help to shape our consciousness and our understanding of the world, aid the development of our moral character, and allow us to effectuate social transformation. 

Meeting the moment

I don’t know how we come back from this as a nation or a planet. When we make it through this current political disaster, we have to ensure that every citizen has a solid education. This does not mean that everyone should have a college education. Education, in the broad sense, is the only way people and our society can grow and progress. Education is also not the only answer. 

As for this moment, we each have an obligation to share our voices, our truths, our stories, our wisdom. Sharing parts of ourselves with others is resistance.